In the last few weeks I've got loads of memories coming back...
I've remembered of when I was a kid, playing in different ways, enjoying sports, being a real tomboy, running from one place to another, doing silly "chemistry experiment" by mixing dishes soap with shampoo and flavor, playing with my lovely Barbies dreaming of roaming around the world with their pink caravan...
I've missed my grandfather so much lately. Sometimes I regret the way I've treated him before he died, I've always loved him very much, but things kept me busy and just before he died sounded like I had no time for him, which makes me feel so bad now. I remember spending my afternoons and evenings with him when my parents were out or I had no school. In Fall/Winter we would spend time at home putting puzzles together, playing cards, drawing and talking about soccer and physics and nature and countryside and all those boys' stuff that granpa knew and that I wanted to learn. I know how to use a screw because of him and I know if a vegetable is good or not because of him and I've loved soccer for a good part of my life because of him. Now, when I'm home alone, I think of him and feel how much I miss him in this Fall days. He was such a curious person, always willing to learn and see, he was opened and sweet, stubborn as well... he used to call me his "kitten" and that made me feel always happy and spending time with him was a great hobby for me. I wonder sometimes what he'd say about me now, now that I'm 22, that I have a foreign boyfriend - again -, I've graduated and I'm moving abroad. At times I think he'd be curious and glad to learn more about things I do, other times, I really can't imagine what he would say about me and my life, but I wish I could hear his words and have his presence to keep me company when I'm all alone...
Everything sounded easier when I was a kid and I was waiting to grow up to break free. I remember learning about geography to be able to travel, I remember learning English because I wanted to learn about music and become a music journalist to interview my favorite (boy)bands back then, I remember dancing and singing for hours and hours, in the afternoon, after my homework, just to improve myself and to prove myself I could be on a stage, because my biggest dream was to be an artist and perform. Some of these things -maybe them all- have not changed and at times I feel like I could get everything I want just because I don't give up...
Other times anyway I remember thinking that was better to stop dancing, because my ex-boyfriend made me understand that I'm not one of those girls that can be a professional dancer, and I remember thinking, not so long ago, that maybe even singing was not really my thing. But even though I got these thoughts and got to these conclusions, I remember the joy I had in me when doing things like dancing and singing.
To be honest, I do remember I had a different type of joy, strength and peace of mind, and these are things I'm willing to get back, but the road seems long and hard and I'm working to find the right way to walk this walk, and all of these memories - probably soo random for you who are reading it - make me cry, yet give me a hint of how to feel better and happier...
Joy should be found in little things.. in those little things like daydreaming, making plans, drawing, playing cards, learning something with passion and no struggle - yeah, those things I've done my whole life and that I've suddenly decided to drop because time was changing, I was changing, I was growing. It's good to be a grown-up, but it's good to keep a childish part somewhere in us, because after all, that's what can give a serious feeling of freedom and happiness, of peace.
Making decisions is not easy, feeling pressure is all you get, but if to try to take it easier, to follow a passion, to do whatever the moment is bringing you, without really thinking what will may be, then decisions are not the worst thing ever! After all, just to give an example, I haven't decided to learn English, it was natural because I felt like doing it... and years after I feel more English than Italian.
In the latest weeks I haven't felt always that happy, almost never... and I still feel like everything is scaring me and I have no directions... memories seem to be a shelter then. But actually they were not a shelter, they caused me the blues and they brought me smiles, but mostly they made me remember feelings and emotions, those emotions which are natural and so important to cherish and use for present time and future. This may make no sense, but all I mean is... finding what made me feel good or bad, helped me to understand that right now I should avoid some things not to feel bad again and I should get back or chase some things to feel good again.
Ah well... Time to face present and the upcoming future again...
"Nostalgia isn't glamorous" Marilyn Monroe said... but I do believe that sometimes remembering where we come from and checking where we are now, will help us to have a brighter, lighter, better future. After all we are now what made us then.
